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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

And now for something completely different

Hello, blogiverse, I have returned for a guest blog to entertain you and enlighten you. Well actually that, and to take some of the blog pressure off of my wonderful wife, too. Recently I was encouraged inspired by the folks at Dollar Shave Club* to write about some things you SHOULD try to squeeze the most out of, and things you SHOULDN’T squeeze too much out of.

(*Their advertisements are also pretty amusing...)

As you may or may not know, the Joiners are cheap frugal creative about how and when we spend money. For example, I have developed quite the reputation at my work place. People know that I WILL take their Whataburger receipt with a survey on it, take the survey, and then claim a free burger on my next visit to that fine establishment. People also know that I play similar games with Starbucks and Freebirds when it comes to their loyalty cards. I have also been known to go back to the kitchen at work and freeze the leftovers after everybody else has finished so that I have some extra free lunches. Judge if you will, but I will be laughing all the way to the bank.

So now that I have painted a picture for you let’s move on to this list.

Things you SHOULD squeeze the most out of:

Toothpaste: The picture below probably gives Amanda the warm fuzzies. I try to appease her by complying and squeezing from the bottom as well.

*I could have also pictured a Capri Sun OR one of those fruit pouches that the twins like to suck the life out of as well. Trust me, they get ALL of it out.

Free Time: Anyone with children knows this to be a truth: nap time and bed time = your free time. Those precious few hours a day when you get to choose what you want to do and don’t have to plan on how you will entertain your children are invaluable. It becomes “how much can I possibly accomplish in the next 90 minutes? Can I do the yardwork, take a shower, AND still have a couple of minutes to watch football?” To those who don’t have children, enjoy your free time now because one day you will want to punch yourself in the face for ever being bored.

Credit Card Companies: They want to take your money for not paying off your bill each month. Solution: find the company with the best rewards, only use that card, pay it off every month and reap the benefits. It is like they are paying you to use them. It kind of feels like you are sticking it to the man, too.

Cookie Butter: Trader Joe’s version of cocaine. Try it. Love it. Eat all of it. Pretzels are a good choice for dipping in cookie butter.

Ok, and now for…
Things you SHOULDN’T try to squeeze too much out of:

First I asked Google:

Not too sure about the Charmin Song. I think it was a little before my time. As for the tea bags, I checked around and it can make the tea bitter. So for you southerners making sweet tea, NO SQUEEZING!

Motor Oil: As the son of a man who spent much of his working life running service centers for autos, please take my advice: change your oil. It is easy, usually inexpensive (unless you have to use full synthetic, in which case I feel your pain) and is the easiest way to help your car/truck last a while. I could really name a bunch of different things on cars to do, but this is the simplest.

Vacations: To me a vacation means a vacation from ALL work, not just my job. I like having things to do, but I don’t like feeling that I have to stress to make it all happen. This may explain why I like beaches and all-inclusive resorts where waiters bring the drinks to you.

Technology: Specifically old technology. Just because the computer you got 8 years ago turns on doesn’t mean you should still be using it. The same goes for the iPhone 3G you got in 2011. The frustrations aren’t worth how slow they are. 

Last but not least...

Razors: The inspiration for the post gets the spot of glory. Instead of using that month old razor that will make your face (guys) or legs (ladies) like a scene from a horror movie, do yourself a favor and check out the blades from the only club I am in... other than the club for cool dads and husbands that I am starting.


Brittnie said...

"To those who don’t have children, enjoy your free time now because one day you will want to punch yourself in the face for ever being bored." - LOL. Preach.

Also, totally agree about the credit card thing. We use SW rewards and do just what you suggested. Our yearly CT trip is FREE every year, even this yr when we had to buy Clara a ticket. We pay our bill every month, we travel for free every year. Boom.

theColeBin said...

When we got married, my husband IMMEDIATELY bought the toothpaste-squeezer-thing (what is it even called???) because I exclusively squeeze from the middle. It was like a deal breaker for our marriage.

Also - amen on the credit card. It's so simple that I'm dumbfounded when people DON'T do it!

the blogivers said...

Brian is a good writer - you should make him guest post regularly! Or "on the reg," as you would probably rather me say.

Erika said...

Hey- we have that toothpaste squeezer thing AND we do the same thing with our credit cards/rewards!! We are twinsies, Brian!!!! Buttttt...our technology is like 20 years behind the times, so maybe not. Matt still has a non-smartphone. How's THAT for vintage??

Aubrey said...

I need the toothpaste squeezer!!!

Natasha said...

I am another Natasha from Canada who is actually legit (and a little annoyed that someone is quasi-stealing my identity!). I will not write about Dr. Brave, although I could go on and on about Dr. Good and Dr. Grace who treated Dave's hand when he hurt it in March. And yes, those were their real names! It made me laugh.

Also, I like thinking about things you should (and shouldn't) squeeze too much out of. I don't get why more people don't use credit cards that way. We get about $40 of free groceries a month. It. Is. Awesome!