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Monday, March 31, 2014

A rant and some pictures

This past weekend was initially shaping up to be about as unenjoyable as last week was. I was stressed out from work, Brian was still feeling crummy, and I felt like I was being smothered by my 8,000-page mental to do list. I went to bed in a foul mood on Friday and woke up in a foul mood on Saturday. 

In the middle of vacuuming (angrily) early Saturday morning, I scraped my hand on one of our bar stools and it was a quick and ugly downward spiral of despair from there. There were tears. There was cussing. There was kicking of a box of diapers. There was throwing of a rug. There was door slamming. There was a confused husband, two oblivious children, and a mom/wife/crazy person who had reached her wit's end.

Because I literally felt like I could not function for even one more second without exploding, I went out to the front porch and sat there and cried. I wasn't even sure about what at that point, but as you can all probably relate, it didn't really matter. I just needed to cry and probably get some fresh air.

In between melting down about how the bushes needed to be trimmed and the bath tub needed to be cleaned and the food labels needed to be made for the babies' birthday party and blah blah THERE'S NO TIME, THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME, I told Brian that I am just really overwhelmed by the amount of things that need my attention at the moment and about how little attention I have to give them all. I just feel live I've been spread so thin and I can't do any one thing well right now.

Thankfully, I pulled myself together and we were able to enjoy the morning. I decided to go to the grocery store while the babies napped and Brian tended to yard work, which was a great idea in theory (getting out of the house alone and all), but I found myself incredibly overwhelmed once I was there and highly considered just leaving in the middle of my trip. I have never experienced a panic attack before (to my knowledge), but I imagine what I was dealing with was similar.

I powered through and made it home, but upon realizing that I had picked out the wrong yogurt for the babies' breakfast this week, I melted down yet again. Fortunately for Brian, I was more sad than angry at that point. Unfortunately for Brian, his wife was/is still insane.

All I know is that although I am legitimately stressed out at the moment, my (over) reaction to everything that's going on lately seems excessive even to me. So I am just crossing my fingers that weaning (sorry, Allison, I know you hate that word) is causing a slightly severe shift in hormones, therefore making me a little loonier than normal. 

Anyway, I didn't intend to rant for so many paragraphs about that, but I guess I have a lot on my mind! The good news is that the rest of the weekend (although still busy with lots of chores and errands) redeemed itself, and we were even able to squeeze in a few very-much-not-professional-quality one year pictures of the babies. (Side note: how long am I allowed to keep referring to them as babies? They aren't walking yet, so surely I don't have to call them toddlers yet, right?)

They were in decent enough moods but we could not, for the life of us, get them to smile (at least not at the same time). Such is life at this age with twins, I suppose. Had we invited the dogs or the cast of The Wiggles, we might have had better luck, but we didn't go to that much effort.

Regardless, we still had fun, enjoyed the nice weather, and managed to make it home with only one small injury (when a certain little nut job decided to dive headfirst onto the concrete).

Happy Monday, all, and happy birthday week to my favorite little people!


Shannon said...

sorry it was such a rough weekend!! let me know what help you need, and i'll do it! and those pictures are too cute!!

The Bird said...

I hear you on the being spread too thin...being a wife, mom, and working full-time is so much to try and balance (and I come to the table with the experience of ONE child, not 2 like you and Brian!). I am pretty sure I have about a million dollars in overdue fines accruing at the library because I haven't made it there in a couple of weeks, in addition to being behind on pretty much everything in life. How can C&C be turning a year?! You can call them babies for as long as you want...Felicia walks and talks and we still call her "our baby" as in "you are such a big girl, but you're still our baby!"

the blogivers said...

Overwhelmed Amanda sounds a lot like Everyday Allison! For what it's worth, I still think you kick arse in all of your roles, even when you are being spread too thin.

Anyway, happy birthday week to the babies (not toddlers)!! Their party is going to be perf!

Lisa Barnette said...

Oh my friend this brought tears to my eyes. I hate that u had a difficult weekend. Then I saw these precious pix of the babies and it brought so much light and joy in my heart. They are so adorable. The tears went away.You problem think I'm weird but that's me. I'm a very compassion person.I hope your week goes well. Oh I'm going to miss the twins not being in my room. :(

Erika said...

Boooo on feeling so overwhelmed!! I don't blame you, though. Gold star to Brian for making it through all that!!! I'm glad the weekend got better. It's really unfair when weekends such because THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIFE?!?!?!, if weekends can't be something to look forward to??!

Mollyanne said...

It is totally the weaning hormones! I had roller coaster emotions for the entire month I was weaning Hudson, then I spent about 2 weeks considering seeking professional help bc I thought I was depressed. And then about the time it hit me that it might be weaning/hormone related, I finally started to feel normal again (and now I'm about to do it all over again in a couple of weeks - hooray!). I wish someone had warned me that might happen. Anyway, I'm sorry for the rough time and I hope you feel like yourself again soon!

Brittnie said...

So sorry about your crazy weekend. I keep blaming post partum hormones on my crazy self. . . can I still do that when Camille is almost 3 months old? Hmmmm. If you are the midst of a meltdown just text or call me b/c there is a 90% chance I am having one as well. :) And I start back to work tomorrow. So. . . that ups it to a 99% chance of a meltdown. :)

Happy almost 1 year babies!! I cannot believe it. . . feel like they were just born!

kayla Agan said...

Oh girl I feel ya! Im often up until 1am scrubbing toilets & dusting just so at naptime I can clean the kitchen and fold laundry! It sure can pile up and cause us to spiral at times! I've had the best luck with just deciding to let some things just go! I asked Lance if a clean house or dinner was more important bc I literally can usually only get it together enough to have one of the two done! Oh & I used to stress so much about our lawn. Now it is invisible to me bc its Lances job and I have stopped trying to control his "jobs" ha! But just last week I walked in from work exhausted and literally sat on my kitchen floor looking at all I had to do and just cried for an HOUR and I have no weaning babies to blame!!

Aubrey said...

Cute babies!! Sorry you had a rough couple of days... I feel like I act like that all the time- and I don't even have the babies yet!- so in my book you're doing awesome!!!

Amanda said...

You sure do have some beautiful babies! I can't believe they're almost a year old! Sooo crazy!

As to the feeling overwhelmed part… you're doing an amazing job!!! I cried from feeling overwhelmed this weekend and I don't even have two extra mouths to feed… the fact that you're all clean and dressed is impressive enough for me! I hope the hormones level off and you feel more like yourself soon!

Brittany Sciba said...

You are doing a wonderful job! I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. :( The pictures of C&C are darling as usual!

Anonymous said...

I know from experience that weaning hormones can be really bad, and you have two babies to care for (whereas I only have one), so I'm sure that really adds a lot to your plate.

I hope that this comment doesn't cause offence - it's truly meant out of concern for you and your family. I just wonder if perhaps some professional help from a therapist or doctor might be a good idea? Perhaps I am totally overly sensitive to expressions of anger (having had an ex with pretty bad depression and anger issues), but when I read your description of your reactions, it actually scared me. Is there a chance your husband and children could be feeling afraid at all? If the cause for your anger and sadness is hormonal/chemical, perhaps there's something that could be done to ease you through it. When I read your post from a while back about getting so upset about not having eggs in the house, I actually felt some concern then. And while it's wonderful that your husband is being so kind and gracious, I also feel a little badly for him. (If a husband was reacting so strongly and a wife was having to rush to buy eggs, or whathaveyou, I could feel the exact same concern).
There's nothing wrong with seeking help for anxiety/depression. And I truly think that if you're finding yourself crumbling and reacting almost with violence to very minor things, you may want to speak to someone - for the sake of your family as well as yourself.

Your children are absolutely adorable and your husband looks like a wonderful, charming man.

I really deliberated about posting this, and hoped that perhaps someone else would have made this suggestion already when I read over the comments. I just know that I would be scared if my husband was reacting to things the way you are - and if this isn't normal behaviour for you, it suggests that something is perhaps off. My comment was made only out of true concern. -Lucy M.

Merrie said...

You sound a bit like me lately. For me I know it's because I'm feeling out of control of my life. The honest truth is I'm miserable at work and I want to change that part of my life, but I don't have the green light from my soon-to-be-spouse on it, so I feel frustrated.

Okay, when did this comment turn into a therapy session?? LOL Anyway, I know my answer is to find the answer with him and subsequently find peace. So perhaps you need to find some peace about something, too? Just thought I'd share since this hit close to home.

Happy one year to your littles!

Brian Joiner said...

Dear Lucy,

This is Brian (the husband). I know your comment probably comes from a good place, so please know mine is coming from the same place as yours most likely. I have never felt afraid of Amanda and I know the children have never been afraid of her. If I am being honest, I felt slightly insulted by your comment, and I have no doubt Amanda feels the same. Amanda is a WONDERFUL mother that would do anything for her children, and a WONDERFUL wife that seeks to honor me and help me grow into the man I want to be. My only request is that if you feel the need to post something similar to this post again, that you would first ask the blogger for a way to contact them directly rather than posting it for all of their followers to read. That way you can express your private concerns privately and the public can be spared any back and forth or reply comments such as mine.

Again, I am sure you were trying to be helpful, but this is a case where I believe everyone would have been happier if this was conducted on a non-public place.



Anonymous said...

Dear Brian,

Of course feel free to delete my previous comment - I didn't see a way to contact your wife privately (and actually assumed she would likely just delete the comment after reading it). I am truly sorry if I upset you or your wife. In part, I sometimes think if someone is reaching out publicly with such personal struggles, perhaps they actually want/need some form of objective opinion. My concern was merely based on reading what she had shared, and I am very relieved to hear that you do not feel there is a more serious issue. You are a much better judge of that than an outsider, obviously.
In kindness, Lucy

Allena said...

It's called 'being a mother'. I have a breakdown about once a week. Either my house is a disaster but I spend time with the kids or vice versa. Something always gives. It sucks. But if it makes you feel any better, we've all been there (repeatedly) and you are totally normal!

the blogivers said...

Let it be known that I am actually the more emotionally unstable twin of the 2 of us, so if you are scared of Amanda, you should hop on over to my blog! XOXO

Natasha said...

Even though this comment is coming almost three weeks late I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. Sometimes I think part of being a mother (father too, maybe?) is just being so overwhelmed. My kids are older than yours and not twins and I still get those days when I am just losing it at everything. Thank you for being honest about the fact that sometimes life is just hard. And often, there's no good reason for it, and it's the little things which do us in.

You are doing such a great job at such a hard job -- parenting twins, working full-time and everything else. Keep it up.