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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

An alternative to traditional childbirth prep classes

I admit it- we didn't take any of the usual preparatory classes (childbirth, newborn care, breastfeeding, etc.) before the twins were born.

Don't get me wrong- it's not because we didn't think they would be helpful, but rather we just had other ideas in mind for how we wanted to spend our precious few remaining childless weekends... and money. Plus I just kind of assumed we would figure things out as we went, and for the most part, that has worked for us. However, now that we're 11+ weeks into this parenting thing, there are a few course topics that I wish had been offered when we were preparing for the arrival of our little ones:

- How to put on makeup/prepare meals/clean the house/accomplish anything with a baby in the Baby Bjorn (this would come with a list of foods you can eat that won't endanger the baby if spilled on his/her head)

- How to ensure your baby's neck rolls don't smell like something died in them

- How to prevent your infant son from urinating on his own face when changing his diaper

- What to pack in your diaper bag 

- Refresher course on the words to children's songs so the baby doesn't have to listen to the theme song to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"

- How to clean up diaper blow-outs without making actual contact with the poop (with special pointers on how not to get poop on the baby's face when removing the poop-covered outfit)

- How to shower, put on makeup, and make yourself generally presentable in 10 minutes or less

- How to convince people you are awake/alert when in reality you are sleep-deprived and essentially brain dead

- How to convince your pets you still care about them after the baby comes home without having to actually pay extra attention to them

- How to talk on behalf of your baby as a way of manipulating your husband into doing pretty much anything (ie: "Daddy, wouldn't it be fun to take out the trash together??") (not that I'm speaking from experience on this one...)

Course offerings specific to parents expecting multiples: 
- How to simultaneously bounce & rock two babies at one time (practice would include patting your head and rubbing your stomach for hours on end, because it's basically the same concept)

- How to decide which baby to pick up first if both start crying at the same time

- How to cover up sufficiently while nursing twins so that your brother-in-law the whole world doesn't get a preview 

- How to grocery shop with two infants

- How to creatively respond to the same questions/comments from strangers when asked for the 18,000th time (with a special focus on "Your hands sure are full!" and "Wow, a boy and a girl? You're done!")

And that's all I've got for now. Would any of you enroll in these classes, and/or do you have any to add?


the blogivers said...

I think these would be super helpful! I definitely would have appreciated someone showing me how not to get poop all over Davis (or in my fingernails) when changing his clothes after a blow-out. As for children's songs, I would like to argue the Fresh Prince theme song is far more entertaining and less annoying, so no need for that course.

Oh, and I can have Wade take off his shirt in front of you next time so you can be even!

Brittnie said...

I would totally enroll in this class. . . sounds way more helpful than the actual class we took which was all like "Feed your baby when he is hungry." Um. . . thanks for that.

I would also add: How to clip your babys fingernails without also taking off a portion of their skin.

Erika said...

I think you could start an empire with these actually RELEVANT courses. I will be happy to act as a guest instructor (those who can't, teach...right?)...I could probably come up with some snappy comebacks for stupid comments, and I'm also pretty well-versed in children's songs and nursery just let me know when my first class starts!

Jane Hatter said...

The first lullaby that I sang Kai was "Roxanne." Totally appropriate. The getting ready in ten minutes thing would be really helpful too. B/c now that Kai's a toddler, I lock him in our bathroom with me and hope he doesn't break anything/get his fingers pinched behind the baby proofed cabinet doors/eat anything non-edible that he finds on the floors while I put on mascara.

Amanda said...

The fact that you do ANYTHING with two babies at once still boggles my mind... I'd just pick up Clara and let Colby cry... she seems to be less high maintenance. : ) Obviously, if I was ever confronted with any of these tasks, I'd need these classes!

6ft Blonde said...

You need some Pee Pee Teepees.

Dana said...

This is great. I would have taken all classes, primarily the poop-related ones. I'd like to add "How to know if you should keep trying to get stains out of your baby's outfit or if you should give up and toss it". I think I washed a few outfits 5 times on end trying all stain removers before finally throwing in the towel.

Hey, while you're working and taking care of two babies, I really think you should turn all of this into a book. I'm not joking, you could seriously sell millions. It would be a classic that people would give to expectant mothers 20 years after it was written and they could laugh at your referencing outdated things like "smart phones" and "laptop computers".

I'd also like to add "I don't know how you do it" to phrases that you should practice how to respond to. Not my favorite comment.

Sorry for the long response!

Bren said...

I think the theme song from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" is totally legit for infants. It teaches an important lesson on the complicated intersection between race and class in America. If the twins' first phrase is chillin' out max then you get all the parent points in the world!

Laura Clerc said...

I think this is the best thing I've ever read.

Brittany Sciba said...

I would have benefited from any of these classes, specifically how to make yourself generally presentable in 10 minutes or less. Still haven't mastered that one!

kinsey said...

The "one boy and one girl, you're done!" Drove me crazy!!! People even said it while I was still pregnant with the second. Annoying. And clearly we weren't done, thankyouverymuch ;).

Natasha said...

Sam asked for a "math lullaby" when he was about two and a half and I sang him "99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall" until he fell asleep. It took until 67, by the way.

And yeah, these courses would have been super-helpful. And some of them still would be, even with a four and two year old, so sign me up.

Shannon said...

your blog is different! i like it!! very cute! :)

Natasha said...

ps. You should also add a course on what to do when your daughter poops WHILE you are changing her diaper. Rachel did that a lot to Dave when she was an infant, but never to me!

pps. Have you learned the "roll the poopy outfit up as you remove it from the baby" trick yet? It keeps the mess away from their heads.

The Bird said...

These all sound wonderful! Sign me up for the neck rolls and baby songs classes! And I would take Brittnie's fingernail trimming class, too...that is my LEAST favorite part of baby care! I am terrified of clipping her fingers. So, I usually wuss out and use a Crystal File instead!

Philip Kushmaro said...
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labour pain relief said...

I loved: "How to convince your pets you still care about them after the baby comes home without having to actually pay extra attention to them"

That is so epic!