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Monday, September 10, 2012

Finding a new normal

Happy Monday, all! I am relieved/thrilled/thankful to share that our last ultrasound showed growth and a stronger heartbeat, AND my HCG levels went back up- praise the Lord!

To say that I had been nervous leading up to Friday's appointment would be a major understatement. I normally don't consider myself to be particularly dramatic, but I suppose the last 3 years have just trained me to always be ready for the other shoe to drop, which is why I was wide awake at 3 am that morning figuring out what I would need to tell my hair salon if I had to call and cancel my hair cut for that afternoon due to receiving bad news.

A lot of "recovering" infertility bloggers talk about this topic, but the transition from battling infertility into pregnancy is a difficult (and awkward) one. We have faced so much disappointment and seen things not work out so many times in the past that it is hard to convince ourselves to expect (or accept!) otherwise.

I won't go on and on about it, but suffice it to say that I'm trying to reach a balance between being excited and being realistic about the fact that it's still early in the game. As has been the case for the last few years, the best term I can think of to describe how I'm feeling is "cautiously optimistic." So if I seem uncomfortable or emphasize that "it's still so early!" when you congratulate me, just bear with me :) The good news is that I have 33 more weeks to practice responding more naturally- ha!

Anyway, moving along, all is well so far. In the last few days, I have developed a general aversion to eating. I literally cannot think of anything that actually sounds appealing, and yet I only feel better once I actually do eat something. I am also sad to report that I have zero interest in Dairy Queen blizzards at the moment. But again, there are still 33 weeks left to correct that, so have no fear!

That's really all for now... I feel like we are just living from one appointment to the next for the time being. Hopefully my brain will get out of the fog it seems to be in once we are released to my normal OBGYN in 4 weeks, but in the meantime, hopefully these disjointed updates will suffice!

Thanks for continuing to pray for our (growing!) family, and please remember to continue praying for my sissy's family as they continue to recover from their loss.

12 comments:

Brittnie said...

Finding a balance between being excited and cautiously guarded is hard. You want to expect the best from God and that He will continue the good work He started, but at the same time you don't want to get in over your head. I remember that. It's ok to feel that way!!

Praying for you and that your love for Blizzards will return soon. :)

the blogivers said...

Are you sad now that you didn't take my advice about enjoying food in the beginning?

Katy said...

Yay! I am so happy to hear that your ultrasound went well and that your levels are back on the rise! I dealt with anxiety during my first pregnancy that was strong enough that I needed to see a counselor for the first few months. I understand that feeling well! But I promise, it gets better. For me, it was once I could feel him moving. After that, anytime I was nervous, I just giggled him a little :) Still praying for a long, healthy pregnancy!

Susan said...

Found your blog through Erica...I've been in your shoes (over 10 years ago...wow!) and I remember my half smile when I was congratulated. I didn't start wearing my perma-smile for a long time. We, those of us who live(d) with infertility, know disappointment, thus we are better at accepting condolences than congrats! I promise you the time will come when you can smile and say thank you. The apprehension will go away, the fears will take the back seat and you will celebrate!

LEB said...

You summed up that "cautious optimism" perfectly! I hate how infertility makes it hard to fully embrace and get excited about good news out of fear something will happen to disappoint us! Im praying for us both that that is not the case this time!!! Glad Friday's appt went well!
And goodness I hear you about the evil cycle of no food sounding good yet the fact that without food you feel worse- I'm more than thankful to be pregnant so that we can have a baby but anyone that tells me they love pregnancy is asking for me not to like them!

Amanda Greavu said...

Praise the Lord! Glad the appointment went well! I think it will make a huge difference once you can at least appear to be one of the "normal" girls and go to a regular OBGYN. Staying at the RE just makes you feel like something is wrong! Hang in there!

Erika said...

I am more concerned about the lack of Blizzard love than anything else. Have you brought this up with your RE? Maybe there is some other kind of specialist you can see to help with this issue? Psychiatry?

Brittany Sciba said...

Wohoo!!! SO GLAD that everything looks great and your levels are up! :) I didn't want anything ice cream related during my entire pregnancy...weird! I hope for your sake that Blizzards start sounding good again soon! :) Sooo excited for you! Love you and Baby J! :)

Sarah said...

So happy that everything looks good!! I know that feeling of being happy and scared at the same time. And sometimes just more scared. Big prayers for a happy and healthy pregnancy!!

The Bird said...

It is so weird to feel so happy and so nervous at the same time, isn't it?! You are completely normal in this, though, and it will get better:) I am glad to hear that your levels went back up and that Baby J is growing!

Gina Manifesta said...

I am so freaking happy to hear this!

Lenore said...

So glad to hear everything is going well!