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Friday, June 8, 2012

The stuff (infertile) dreams are made of

*Don't forget to leave a question or two for Brian to answer on my last post! Answers will be posted on Monday!

With the amount of time I have spent at our fertility specialist’s office recently, I’m beginning to feel like it’s my second home. This does not, however, mean that I enjoy being there. My visits there involve far too many needles, wands, and disappointing news for that to be the case.

Most of those unpleasant aspects can’t be helped—they simply come with the territory. However, at one of my recent appointments, I took notice of a few other potential areas of improvement and before I knew it, I had begun brainstorming my next blog topic the greatest idea ever: the Ideal Fertility Clinic.

Allow me to share with you the qualities that the Ideal Fertility Clinic would (and in some cases, wouldn’t) possess:

1. It would NOT share building space with an OBGYN’s office (lots of pregnant people and new moms) or pediatrician’s office (duh), nor would it be within a one-mile radius of a day care, school, or anywhere else that cute children can be found.

2. There would be an entirely separate wing of the office for the Chosen Ones whose fertility treatments have already been successful. That’s great that you got pregnant on your first round of Clomid (or your 6th IVF, even), but while I’m coming in to get poked, prodded, and generally filled with anxiety, I’d prefer not to see your smiling face. Some people think this would give the infertile folks hope for ourselves and confidence in the clinic’s potential for success. Those people are wrong.

3. There would be a complimentary chips and queso station, as well as a bartender serving margaritas (to those of us who aren’t yet enduring the two-week wait, obviously).

4. This seems like an obvious one, but there would be Kleenex readily available—as in, on every table in the office.

5. The reading material (ie: magazines) would be pre-screened prior to being placed in the waiting room. This means our eyes would not be assaulted with copies of “Parenthood Magazine,” and any issues of “People” about the latest pregnant movie star would be burned in advance.

6. Much like on pillows at nice hotels, there would be chocolates waiting on the examining table (right on top of that super special folded up drape you get to put on).

7. The staff would be comprised entirely of people who have also experienced infertility. Because few things are more frustrating than getting advice from the nurse who got pregnant with her first baby while on birth control and has had 3 more kids since.

8. The ultrasound machine would have a programmable playlist. While you wait for the doctor/nurse, you can select which song(s) you want to play in the background while they do your follicle scan. My personal preference would be “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey.

9. They would provide reward cards like restaurants do—ie: “Pay for 3 ultrasounds and you get the 4th for free!”

I could go on, but I think I’ll stop there. Feel free to chime in with your own suggestions—maybe one day we can make this place a reality!

Have a good weekend, all!


Erika said...

OH. MY. GOSH. This is so brilliant, inspired, and spot-on that I'm not sure there is anything that COULD be added. I particularly support points 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, and 9. They really could do a lot to maximize the waiting room experience. I'm actually envisioning doing a little mini-casino in there with some slot machines, scratch-off lotto tix...because you're already there because you're willing to gamble. Wouldn't it be nice to at least get SOMETHING tangible for your trip out that day? Like $3 or something? Ooh they should also be regularly having sweepstakes giveaways of fabulous vacations. They ought to be able to afford it, what with the amount of money they steal from poor women like us (and the slot machine profits) why not at least let us kill 5 minutes filling out a form to win a trip to Hawaii??

the blogivers said...

This is a pretty sweet list! Sounds like you and Erika need to collaborate and start your own fertility clinic (after you have babies of your own, of course)!

Leah said...

So I assume your fertility clinic is probably the exact opposite of this??

Bren said...

haha! Love it!!! I could also really go for a little mani-pedi action while I'm chilling in those stirrups :) Might as well pamper us a bit!

Brittnie said...

Amazing post! Ok I couldn't agree more on some of these. Especially number 7!!! And the magazines.... OH the magazines... always made me want to barf! Oh and I would have appreciated an endless supply of dark chocolate available in the waiting room. :)

LEB said...

I love this post! I could write quite a few to include like oh check your patients blook work numbers thoroughly so she doesn't surge before trigger! but ill send you a venting email later about that ;) but in general REs probably shouldn't be idiots!
And the person that suggested mani pedis while up in the stir ups has a brilliant idea!

The Bird said...

Ummm...I think ALL of these are great ideas! I remember thinking #1 on my very first visit to our clinic. Also on my first visit there was some big display in the waiting area about Mirena and the board said something like, "Is your family complete?" I just about had a heart attack, seriously.