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Monday, May 14, 2012

This is not quite how I had hoped to end my blogging vacation (Part 1)

How I envisioned Mother’s Day 2012 would start: I would wake up early before church and take a pregnancy test, and then surprise Brian with the (obviously positive) results.

How Mother’s Day 2012 actually started: Brian got up and got ready for church while I laid in bed crying with cramps and a heating pad.

To say that life does not always go as planned would be a major understatement at this point.

To backtrack a little, we had IUI #1 on Monday, April 30, and IUI #2 on Tuesday, May 1. They both went as well as possible with no problems or complications. We spent the next 1.5 weeks waiting, praying, hoping… and (on my part) stressing. I actually did pretty well during the day because I was distracted with work or other plans. But when I would get in bed at night, my brain would turn on and the “what if” game would commence.

What if I didn’t actually ovulate? What if I did ovulate but we didn’t get a fertilized egg? What if we did get a fertilized egg but it doesn’t implant? What if it implants but then I miscarry? You know, just the standard downward spiral into “what if we can never have children and we die lonely and miserable?”

This explains why I purchased a night guard 4 days after IUI #2 to help with jaw-clenching. Because if the bloating and weight gain didn’t make me unattractive enough during the two week wait (and I will not even get started on the side effects of the progesterone supplements), then a mouth full of plastic was sure to do the trick.

Nonetheless, we pressed on as we got closer and closer to the end date of the waiting process: Tuesday, May 15. That was the date that I was scheduled to go in for a blood test, and I spent the better part of every free minute leading up to that debating in my head whether or not I wanted to take a home pregnancy test in advance.

In the meantime, just as I have prayed from the very start of this whole process, I asked God to be very clear with me. I didn’t want to get to the point of taking a pregnancy test if it was going to be negative, and I certainly didn’t want to get all the way to the point of having the blood test done if it was going to be negative. I have always been of the mindset that bad news is hard enough without having to get your hopes up first. I wasn’t quite sure how God would work around this one, however, because I was under the impression that the progesterone supplements would prevent my period from starting either way.

Well surprise, surprise—(a) I was wrong, and (b) God most definitely had a way of “working around” that so-called issue, because I did indeed start on Saturday. Just another reminder to be careful what you pray for :)

As luck would have it, I had to go straight to the Museum for my volunteer shift, so instead of wallowing at home on the couch in my misery, I got to talk to painfully adorable children and their parents (pregnant moms included) about dinosaurs for 3 hours. Thankfully, I did not melt down and on the few occasions that I did tear up, no one noticed.

Once I was in the car, however, all bets were off and the melting down commenced. The next 1.5 days (including how I survived Mother’s Day) deserve a separate post, so stay tuned.


Jenni said...

Oh friend...I wish I had some magic words but I don't. Hopefully you can find some peace and comfort knowing you have tons of prayer warriors lifting you up. {hugs}

Erika said...

I can't believe you were intermittently cheating on our text-a-thon by chatting with children about dinosaurs! I feel so betrayed. :( And I love you.

the blogivers said...

It would be great if this was the last post like this you ever have to write.

Brittany Sciba said...

I love you!

Shene' said...

Hi Amanda. You don't know me, but I have been reading your blog for awhile. I found it the way that you often find blogs...I was reading a friend's blog, clicked on one of her "blogs I read" links, then clicked on one on that blog, and found you. I've kept reading because I love your honesty and I became interested in your journey to motherhood.

My journey to motherhood happened differently than I had hoped too. I won't bore you with details here, or in any way try to compare stories, but I had to say something after this post. I used to hate Mother's Day. HATED it. I spent many a Sunday morning sending my husband to church and while I stayed home to cry. Now on Mother's Day, I always remember how that used to feel and my heart is heavy for others on that day. You can read what I wrote here if you would like:

I prayed for you specifically (since I've been following your story) yesterday. Just thought you should know. (And I mean that in the most normal, non-stalker way possible. I'm not a weirdo, I promise.)

Gina Manifesta said...

Sorry. :(

Courtney Squillante said...

I hate this for you. So so sorry :(

The Bird said...

There are just no words; sorry doesn't cut it in this case. Although this did not end the way you had hoped (and the way many, many others had hoped for you, too) just remember that THIS IS NOT THE END! Praying for you and Brian.

Leah said...

i just second allison