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Monday, August 22, 2011

This post brought to you by Eeyore

Some of you might be optimistic enough to think that the reason I haven't posted in 10 days is because I am actually pregnant and too distracted to blog. Those of you who have spent any amount of time with me and/or are friends with me on facebook know that this is not, in fact, the case. But rather, my brain is so completely devoid of thoughts unrelated to infertility that I literally have not been able to pull it together long enough to string together coherent thoughts that don't read something like this: "We can't get pregnant. And I'm frustrated about it. The end."

I know I have mentioned this before, but I am really getting tired of myself. Tired of the same old conversations that I have in my head. Tired of the same prayers to God every morning the second that I wake up, at night before I fall asleep, and for the remaining 16 hours in between. And let's not even talk about the incessant dreams about being pregnant, or worse, finding out someone else is pregnant.

Which brings me to a topic I have mentioned before: infertility for some reason feels like a competition to me. It is literally as if I am in competition with all other females to get pregnant, and every time one of them "wins" by succeeding in this mission, I lose. How terrible is that? Allison even had to tell me a while back that God does not have a set number of babies to give out, and that just because one person is pregnant, doesn't mean that it's one less baby available for the taking. But I will be honest- it totally feels that way.

I have also decided that there are very few things in life more isolating than infertility. As is evidenced by this already mind-numbingly boring (and borderline depressing) post, I have a very hard time relating to people right now that have not ever been or are not currently affected by infertility. If you don't believe me, then you should know that I discussed my ovaries at work today on the phone with a colleague. SERIOUSLY.

I keep praying that God would give me the self-control to talk about it less, but then I find myself wandering off on a bunny trail and before I know it, I am pulling out my phone to update Fertility Friend (oh yes, there's an app for that).

Don't get me wrong- I am thankful for friends that have been in or are currently in this same boat, but I feel like I am having a harder and harder time finding common ground with those that aren't. Which, I realize, is totally selfish and stupid, but it seems to be my best defense mechanism at the moment. If I don't hang out with them, I won't have to think about how great it must be to either (a) be pregnant, (b) have children, or (c) be at a stage in life where children are not even on their radar.

As a side note, if you fall into one of those categories, please don't think I don't want to spend time with you... just know that it is hard for me to do so right now and I am doing my best to make the extra effort, but some days I do a crappier job of that than others.

All that to say, the point of this post is not to make excuses for myself or ask you all to tell me that my bad behavior is understandable or even acceptable, but rather to give you a glimpse into my sad little brain (and heart) in case you were wondering what life is like for me lately.

As an update, I scheduled an appointment last week because my temperature still had not shifted (therefore leading me to believe I still had not ovulated). The doctor basically dismissed my concerns and said that I had apparently not just one, but two follicles (um, why didn't anyone mention the second one to me?!), and that it was unlikely that I hadn't ovulated.

I kindly pointed out that it was my understanding that, by definition, PCOS means that I produce a lot of follicles each cycle that don't release eggs (and therefore turn into cysts), and asked why he didn't think it was plausible that this had been the case. His response was that it "was possible that I didn't ovulate," but that was about as much legitimacy as he would give to my concerns.

He offered to do a progesterone test, but I wasn't interested in wasting $90 to confirm what I am fairly certain did not happen. As a disclaimer, I realize that my temperature chart could be 100% inaccurate. I could have a broken thermometer, for all I know. And I would be thrilled if I was wrong and he was right. I just wish he would have at least taken me a little more seriously.

So here we sit- waiting once again- and trying to figure out what (if anything) to do next. We have a few options, although none of them seem very appealing right now, unless snapping my fingers and immediately becoming pregnant counts as an option? :)

I will TRY to get back into normal Amanda mode soon and not put you through any more mopey posts like this- but no promises! And in the meantime, if you have any surefire suggestions on how to distract myself from my every day reality, please do share!


Amanda McD said...

I soooooo know what you are feeling right now. Infertility is so isolating and lonely and makes us look apathetic to everyone else. Sorry your doctor is no help either. Hugs.

The Blogivers said...

I hate contributing to your isolation or sadness :(

Brittany Sciba said...

Love you!! :)

Brittnie said...

While there is never anything "right" to say I want you to know that you are not alone and I feel or have felt all the emotions you described in this post. I go from being happy, sad, mad, frustrated and then content all within a matter of 5 minutes.

This past weekend at a dinner party a couple announced they were 5 weeks pregnant. (and quite a bit younger than us and have not been married long!!) My eyes filled with tears so fast I had to jet out of the room before making a scene.

I don't have any amazing suggestions but what I always try to remember is that everything we deal with in life passes through God's hands first, before it gets to us. I also try to take time for myself and enjoy activities that help me relax and just NOT think about it for a while.

praying for you and sending hugs your way!

Erika said...

I find that emailing me is the best way to pass the long and lonely hours.

Kelly said...

I (along with many others, I'm sure) appreciate the honesty in this post. I know how hard this must be and I can relate to the part about not wanting to be around people who are not in your shoes - altough mine when I went through it was for different reasons, it completely makes sense and is not selfish.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this all day every day. It stinks for those of us who love you that there is nothing we can do to make the pain go away. :(
Perhaps you can come visit Vermont and I will take you to the Ben & Jerry's factory by ourselves and we can spend the whole day if you want!!!

Terrie said...

Love you both and pray everyday!

Shannon said...

I promise I won't get pregnant before you do!! If I do, not only will my baby be named after you, but I will also give him/her to you and Brian.

Blogahon said...

Amanda, I wish I knew the right thing to say........ Just wanted to give you a virtual hug. Love you!

Krista said...

Hi, I don't know you but I stumbled across your blog looking for "infertility" things. I appreciate your being so open about your feelings b/c I can tell you that I feel exactly the same way. I am just starting the treatment phase of infertility---had one IUI and on to the next this month. I am trying to get out of a slump right now and it is very difficult. I just wanted to let you know that I do appreciate your posts. I don't think that you should talk less about it...people should know that what we are going through is NOT easy and it is a real thing that none of us asked for but have to find a way to deal with anyway. Best of luck to you and I will keep reading and following. Krista from WI

Leah said...

I've been thinking about what to say to you because I just don't have good words for you. :(

I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you, and I'm praying for you, and I think everything you feel is totally normal.

And also, when you say you will get back to "normal Amanda" soon... I know how you feel about that. After a couple of different trials in my life, during college, and then after having a kid, I still don't ever feel like I've gotten back to "normal Leah." Which is annoying because I liked myself more before I had to endure those trials, but my faith is stronger now. I think God does that because he is trying to make our faith strong. Even though you feel like, Eeyore, it doesn't change the fact that we all still love reading your blog, and that God still loves you and is using you for sure!

I suck at encouragement, but I just wanted to say SOMETHING. :)

Anonymous said...

In case you haven't read this blog - read it from the beginning to current. She is gifted in writing, open with emotions and hopefully will help you to realize your blog is your place to vent, cry and scream. It is your space and we are all hear to encourage you!