Some of you might be optimistic enough to think that the reason I haven't posted in 10 days is because I am actually pregnant and too distracted to blog. Those of you who have spent any amount of time with me and/or are friends with me on facebook know that this is not, in fact, the case. But rather, my brain is so completely devoid of thoughts unrelated to infertility that I literally have not been able to pull it together long enough to string together coherent thoughts that don't read something like this: "We can't get pregnant. And I'm frustrated about it. The end."
I know I have mentioned this before, but I am really getting tired of myself. Tired of the same old conversations that I have in my head. Tired of the same prayers to God every morning the second that I wake up, at night before I fall asleep, and for the remaining 16 hours in between. And let's not even talk about the incessant dreams about being pregnant, or worse, finding out someone else is pregnant.
Which brings me to a topic I have mentioned before: infertility for some reason feels like a competition to me. It is literally as if I am in competition with all other females to get pregnant, and every time one of them "wins" by succeeding in this mission, I lose. How terrible is that? Allison even had to tell me a while back that God does not have a set number of babies to give out, and that just because one person is pregnant, doesn't mean that it's one less baby available for the taking. But I will be honest- it totally feels that way.
I have also decided that there are very few things in life more isolating than infertility. As is evidenced by this already mind-numbingly boring (and borderline depressing) post, I have a very hard time relating to people right now that have not ever been or are not currently affected by infertility. If you don't believe me, then you should know that I discussed my ovaries at work today on the phone with a colleague. SERIOUSLY.
I keep praying that God would give me the self-control to talk about it less, but then I find myself wandering off on a bunny trail and before I know it, I am pulling out my phone to update Fertility Friend (oh yes, there's an app for that).
Don't get me wrong- I am thankful for friends that have been in or are currently in this same boat, but I feel like I am having a harder and harder time finding common ground with those that aren't. Which, I realize, is totally selfish and stupid, but it seems to be my best defense mechanism at the moment. If I don't hang out with them, I won't have to think about how great it must be to either (a) be pregnant, (b) have children, or (c) be at a stage in life where children are not even on their radar.
As a side note, if you fall into one of those categories, please don't think I don't want to spend time with you... just know that it is hard for me to do so right now and I am doing my best to make the extra effort, but some days I do a crappier job of that than others.
All that to say, the point of this post is not to make excuses for myself or ask you all to tell me that my bad behavior is understandable or even acceptable, but rather to give you a glimpse into my sad little brain (and heart) in case you were wondering what life is like for me lately.
As an update, I scheduled an appointment last week because my temperature still had not shifted (therefore leading me to believe I still had not ovulated). The doctor basically dismissed my concerns and said that I had apparently not just one, but two follicles (um, why didn't anyone mention the second one to me?!), and that it was unlikely that I hadn't ovulated.
I kindly pointed out that it was my understanding that, by definition, PCOS means that I produce a lot of follicles each cycle that don't release eggs (and therefore turn into cysts), and asked why he didn't think it was plausible that this had been the case. His response was that it "was possible that I didn't ovulate," but that was about as much legitimacy as he would give to my concerns.
He offered to do a progesterone test, but I wasn't interested in wasting $90 to confirm what I am fairly certain did not happen. As a disclaimer, I realize that my temperature chart could be 100% inaccurate. I could have a broken thermometer, for all I know. And I would be thrilled if I was wrong and he was right. I just wish he would have at least taken me a little more seriously.
So here we sit- waiting once again- and trying to figure out what (if anything) to do next. We have a few options, although none of them seem very appealing right now, unless snapping my fingers and immediately becoming pregnant counts as an option? :)
I will TRY to get back into normal Amanda mode soon and not put you through any more mopey posts like this- but no promises! And in the meantime, if you have any surefire suggestions on how to distract myself from my every day reality, please do share!