New rule #1: I am NOT going to apologize anymore for being sad. Or for being unable to cope with reality. Or for having a hard time being around pregnant people/mommies. Or for moping. With that said, I will apologize if I act mean and/or selfish, because while a lot of the feelings that I am experiencing are normal, my circumstances are NOT an excuse for me to mistreat people.
New rule #2: I am not going to keep promising that I will write a more positive and upbeat post "some time soon," because let's be honest, that is not likely to happen, and if I wait until it does, then I might not be blogging again for a very long time.
Now that we have those out of the way, let's move on.
I took a pregnancy test this morning, and it was negative. On the one hand, I completely wasn't surprised, because as I mentioned to my doctor (who, if you'll recall, seemed to dismiss me entirely), I was fairly confident that I didn't ovulate. On the other hand, any time you go 37 days without a period (or as is often the case for me, 50+), there is always SOME hope that maybe this cycle will be the one.
A friend at work had actually recently given me this specific pregnancy test with a thoughtful note about how she hoped it would give me good news when I used it and she mentioned that she even prayed over it before she gave it to me. So yesterday when I inventoried the bathroom cabinet and learned that this test was the only one I had left, I faced a major internal struggle: Do I bite the bullet and use the "special" test, knowing fully well that I am not really giving it the best chance to succeed, or do I go out of my way to buy another test and save that one for a time when it will more likely be positive?
My practical side took over, however, and I decided that I just needed to suck it up and use the one that I already had on hand. I have a feeling this decision did not surprise Brian one bit, however, being that he has had to listen to more than his fair share of lectures about the importance of finishing up one bag of chips before opening up a new one because there is no sense in having TWO unopened bags of chips in the pantry. Oh, the burdens of being type A...
Anyway, it was a super fancy digital test, and so rather than the one pink line, I got a "-NO" instead. I sure am glad they added that minus sign in case there was any ambiguity about the giant "NO" that was written next to it. Thanks for ruining yet another day for me, First Response.
Regardless, I dusted myself off and moved on with the day, determined not to get worked up about what I had already more or less known was the outcome for a week or so. And for the most part, I have functioned fine, minus one crying episode in which I told Brian that I wished every pregnant person would crawl in a hole until they have their babies, at which point they could move to an island where I wouldn't have to know about them just so I won't feel so sorry for myself in comparison. But in reality, not knowing about other people being pregnant wouldn't help at all because I would still be all too aware that we are not pregnant, so that plan is flawed.
And for the record, pregnant friends and friends with children, I'm not serious, and I don't hold any of you responsible for my current state of frustration/sadness/rage, so please know that I'm kidding :)
Anyway, the negative test confirmed that we do, in fact, have to actually make a decision about what to do next. And both because I have minimal confidence in my doctor at the moment and because I have gotten about 7,234 recommendations to do so in the past month, I am going to give acupuncture a try.
Being that I am pretty straight-laced and traditional in my approach to just about everything in life, I never thought I would say those words. However, I also never thought I would be chronicling the functions (or dysfunctions) of my ovaries on the internet, nor did I anticipate that I would have gone through NINE rounds of fertility medication (Clomid x 4 and Femara x 5) without having any success, so it turns out infertility holds all kinds of fun surprises!
My consultation is tomorrow morning, and then I will find out what my treatment plan is from there. I am nervous for a variety of reasons- not the least of which is because of the possibility that this, too, might not work. So my specific prayer request at this point is that the acupuncturist would be a good fit for me- that she would be genuinely interested in/concerned with our situation, and that God would give her the wisdom to treat my issues in the most effective way.
So that's that. I'll provide more updates soon, but for now, I'm off to escape from my own problems by watching Unsolved Mysteries on Lifetime while I wait for Brian to get home from work. Have a great weekend!