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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

You asked for it.

Warning: Do not continue reading if you want to continue thinking Brian and I are even remotely normal!

Ok, folks, so it seems that some of you actually do want to hear more about our “characters.” Let me re-phrase that—it seems that some of you are legitimately interested in what these friends of ours are like, whereas I’m thinking some of you are just hoping that if I divulge all of the details of the lives of our imaginary friends, you will seem much more normal in comparison and therefore feel better about yourselves. Either way, I’m ok with it, so let’s get this show on the road.

And just to clarify, this is only a brief glimpse into the characters’ lives, because trust me—they have developed very complex personalities and there is not room to explain them in full! And brace yourself—I told you there were a lot of them. Actually, I am going to separate this into a 2-part series so as not to overwhelm you. Here goes.

“Duck” – that’s right, he is a simple man with a simple name. Duck resides on Brian’s left hand and his vocabulary consists entirely of the word “quack”… just as you might expect from a duck named “Duck.” Brian translates for him, but I have gotten to know the tone of his voice well enough to where I can usually at least guess what he’s saying. Duck has a wife and 2 children, all of whom we’ll get to in a bit.

Duck LOVES to sing—his favorite genre is easy listening music (he has this in common with Uncle Wade). His current favorite song is “If You Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart, but he is also a big fan of most popular church hymns as well as most songs by Akon on the radio. And you should know that he likes to sing very loudly in the shower, but I think he only does that when I’m home. Duck has to put up with a lot from his family, as you will soon find out, but he is very patient and fortunately for all of us, does not hold grudges.

“Matilda” – Matilda is Duck’s wife. She is actually a Great Egret and not a duck, but please don’t tell her kids this because they don’t understand interracial marriages just yet. We discovered Matilda at a park in Rosenberg… and when I say “we,” I mean that Duck noticed her and thought she was pretty foxy. Since then, she has resided on my right hand. Like Duck, her vocabulary also consists entirely of the word “quack,” but obviously in a more feminine and sultry tone.

Matilda is not around nearly enough—we often say that she is an absent mother. She shows up when it’s convenient for her, and we think she spends the rest of the day flying around the neighborhood and napping. She got pregnant when she secretly stopped taking her birth control without telling Duck. He was not pleased, and as a result, went to get a vasectomy. Matilda claims, however, that she convinced the doctors not to go through with it, so who knows, maybe more children are in their future?!

“Natalie” – Like with children, we try not to play favorites with our characters. But I think it’s fairly obvious from Shannon’s cake that Natalie is my favorite. She is the daughter of Duck and Matilda, and twin sister to her brother, Neb. Natalie resides on my left hand and is a total girly girl—she loves the color pink, and she loves to dance. Unfortunately, she developed a habit early on of dancing inappropriately (ie: dropping it like it’s hot), but Duck, ever-observant father that he is, put an end to that very quickly. Oh, and she also struggles on and off with an eating disorder, which equally frustrates Duck.

Natalie speaks only with the word “cheep,” because duh, she’s a little girl and not old enough to quack yet. She can be kind of whiney, and gets awfully irrational when she’s hungry or tired. Brian claims that she gets this from me, her godmother. Natalie also LOVES Christmas lights, and has been known to work herself up into seizures when driving by a well-decorated house. Her favorite foods are bologna and Twizzlers, so you can imagine how tough it was for her when she gave Twizzlers up for Lent.

“Nebuchadnezzar”
– Nicknamed “Neb,” for obvious reasons, Nebuchadnezzar is son to Duck and Matilda, and twin brother to Natalie. Neb actually also lives on my right hand, along with his mother. So you can imagine how confusing it is when Matilda and Neb are talking to each other. Neb is a bit of a black sheep in the family—he is definitely emo and steers clear of the mainstream. Unfortunately he has even been known to have suicidal tendencies, but fortunately he gave up suicide attempts for Lent and has not gone back. Neb’s diet also consists of bologna and Twizzlers, although some days he just doesn’t eat because he doesn’t feel like it. Oh, and of course he also speaks in “cheeps.”

Despite Neb’s resistance to pop culture, he, like Natalie, loves to dance, and they have been known to choreograph dances to any song that has a good beat. Oh, and one time Brian accidentally rolled Neb’s beak up in the window… you can imagine how long he milked the sympathy from that one.

“Baby Dinosaur” – I honestly don’t remember where Baby Dinosaur got his start. Brian has always enjoyed making animal noises, and in fact, he has even tried to bring in new characters with his walrus impression, but I have put my foot down on that one because the walrus is needy and makes a lot of noise when he (or Brian) are hungry. But anyway, back to BD. Yes, we refer to him as “BD,” and he talks to us in a high pitched dinosaur roar/squeal. We have been quite impressed, however, because his attempts at English have really improved over time. His most recognizable phrase to date is, “I love you, Mama.” Oh, and by the way, he refers to Brian and me as “Mama and Dada.” Please don’t tell him otherwise.

Unfortunately, Baby Dinosaur has an affinity for eating children. He can’t help it—he’s a dinosaur. We have worked with him, however, and have guided him more towards eating red meat that doesn’t come from humans. He has gotten in trouble with the law once or twice for chasing kids on the playground at local schools, but always seems very apologetic for his bad behavior. His absolute favorite activity is to play catch, which he requests to do almost nightly before bed. And I’ll tell you from experience that he hates it when you accidentally miss a throw or knock the ball off the bed.


(FYI, I am kind of listing these in order of popularity, so I promise all of the descriptions won’t be this long!)


“Baby Girl Dinosaur” – BGD, as we call her, came about as a playmate for BD. To be honest, she very rarely speaks unless spoken to, and unfortunately it is next to impossible to understand her. She is a great friend to BD, though, and they even went on a Valentine’s Day date together to Freebirds this past February. Oh, and she and BD are both simply voices—they don’t have a physical location like Duck’s family members.

“Dirka” – Let me go ahead and warn you that this is going to sound like a total stereotype, so please don’t take offense! It is meant to be a joke :o) Dirka is actually a finger on Brian’s right hand that crawls around… actually, more like lurks around. Dirka is an Islamic terrorist and is a big fan of the word “jihad,” as you can imagine. He loves to blow things up, and is always trying to steal my phone in order to call back to his homeland and coordinate terrorist efforts. Dirka obviously has a very bad temper, so you always have to be careful not to make him angry. His favorite punishment (other than blowing up your head) is to poop on you or in your purse, so keep your belongings away from him.

Dirka does not appreciate that his host family is composed of church-going Christians, and he gets very upset if we kidnap him and take him to church. I think our evangelism efforts are rubbing off on him, however, so don’t be surprised if he converts one day. Also, even though he pretends to be really tough, deep down he is a softy. Natalie has taken a special liking to Dirka, and even asked him to be her Valentine this year. Though he acted disinterested and disgusted, you could tell he enjoyed it and likes the attention Natalie gives him. I will warn you, however, that he is pretty demeaning to women and is very homophobic.

“Unicorn” – Unicorn is actually the pointer finger on whichever one of my hands is available at the moment. He does not speak—he simply hops up and down (which irritates Brian immensely) and flies around the room. Unicorn’s original purpose was to provide transportation for Dirka, but for some reason, Dirka finds his incessant hopping to be irritating as well, so he often refuses to ride on Unicorn’s back.

Ok I think that’s enough for now—I will work on descriptions for the rest and either post them later today or some time later this week. Feel free to share if you have any characters as well, cough cough, Chrissy!

12 comments:

The Blogivers said...

I can't really think of an appropriate comment for this post... words are failing to come to my mind.

Annie said...

Hahahah what a crack up! I love all of that! Here is a funny- I always play the animal game with people, and I am quite good I might add. Well one of my guy friends, Charles Roitsch, looks like a Walrus to me (you should have seen him in hs) so I told him that was his animal. He shot back telling me I was an egret!! Haha- Sick. He even asked me to BCA formal freshman year with an egret poster that he made and drew himself and had it hanging in my dorm! So funny!

And, to answer your comment from last week- I live in the Rice, Greenway Plaza, River Oaks area. Haha I am sure you get my drift. We must see each other soon!

*kimmie* said...

In college, Zach and I would walk across the street from our dorm to 7-11 for slurpees. You'd have to pass this rusty old, creepy, dumpster to get there and Zach made up that a man named "George" lived in it. He'd always say "Hi George" as we passed.

It was innocent conversation during the day, but at night when it was dark, I'd completely freak myself out thinking there was a man in there. Not cool.

Angela said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read! I'm trying to imagine you guys talking to each other in these fake voices. This is all made even stranger by the fact that I don't even really know you and have never heard your real voice. I was also totally imagining you running around your apartment holding out your finger unicorn like a missile in front of you.

Jane said...

Haha! This made my day significantly better!

Beth said...

You are way more ridiculous than I knew... don't know if I am proud or embarassed to be your friend!

Christian said...

Thank you for the entertainment and ab-workout! I am still laughing!!

Your children are going to have the BEST bedtime stories told to them... you and Brian are so creative!

Leah said...

For some reason BD reminds me of Pete's Dragon, Elliot, but I'd have to meet him to know for sure.

I think Dirka is my favorite, by far.

Leah said...

Please don't tell the others that I am picking favorites.

Stacey said...

That's hilarious!

Kari said...

I've always just lurked on your blog, never leaving a comment.

I had to leave a comment.

I am completely confused. Have I missed something?
How do you keep all the friends straight in your head?? I need to introduce you to my seven yr old daughter, lol.

The Joiners said...

Welcome, Kari! And we don't really have trouble keeping them straight- kind of like regular friends or family... once they're around enough, they all seem like separate entities! Ha- we're strange, I know!