So fortunately, I did not receive any comments on yesterday’s post indicating that I am going to lose friends or readers as a result of my revelations regarding our “friends.” I’m glad the post was at least enough to get some of you laughing—I honestly have no idea where we came up with this stuff, but I’m glad we aren’t the only ones that find these things amusing!!
Ok so let’s keep moving and take a look at the rest of the “group.” Here goes nothing!
“Tony” – Perhaps our longest-standing and certainly our most disturbing character, we actually didn’t invent Tony ourselves. Brian and I once happened upon some random Dateline special about a sickly young “boy” named Tony who befriended older men and became pen pals with them over the phone for several years. He claimed to have a variety of crippling illnesses, and insisted that the reason his voice never changed in his teen years was because some of his ailments prevented it from doing so. So basically he was this teenaged boy with a high-pitched voice that talked to older men on the phone on a regular basis—creepy? Yes. Anyway, they came to find out that it was all a fraud and that it was actually a random woman all along pretending to be this little boy. Very, very strange.
So for whatever reason, Brian started imitating Tony on phone calls with the Olivers, and when he realized that Allison did not take kindly to the creepy high-pitched voice, he decided that Tony needed to be a more permanent fixture. Since then (for 2+ years now), Tony has been on an endless quest to seek approval from his best friend in the whole wide world, Allison. He is constantly requesting to sleep over at her apartment, hang out with her, and talk to her on the phone. She usually responds with a variety of hateful death threats, but he perseveres all the same. Our “Tony” lives in a wheelchair and suffers primarily from a variety of STD’s. He also has a potty mouth and occasionally gives Allison a dose of her own medicine if he’s feeling particularly feisty. I think it comes from an unbalance in his meds, but whatever.
“Firework” – Yes, it’s singular on purpose. The second unicorn in our group of characters, Firework is one of Tony’s constant companions. Firework speaks in a series of horse neighs and whinnies, and is even more difficult to understand than Baby Girl Dinosaur. Oddly enough, Firework and Unicorn have never actually been introduced, but I have a feeling they would be fast friends.
"Russell" – I’m not sure why, but I have always been particularly fond of Russell. Russell is a snail and is the other of Tony’s two best buddies (three if you count Allison). Russell actually (theoretically) lives in a bowl of salsa, which is, of course, his favorite food. Nevermind the fact that salt is deadly to snails. Russell has a voice, but unfortunately, there is not really a word in the English language to articulate how it sounds. My best attempt would be “muhnuhmuhnuhmuhnuh”… got it?
“Boris” – The other international member of the bunch, Boris is Russian—and I will say that Brian has a very impressive Russian accent. Like your typical Russian, Boris is very fond of alcohol and women, and always willing to share his latest stories from the bar. He loves to sleep in, and although he is probably one of the most easygoing characters in the house, he is not friendly if awakened early in the morning. His favorite topic of conversation is “Mother Russia,” and being that he is from a cold climate, he has an especially strong affinity for Noah, our Siberian Husky mix.
“Angry Chinese Judge” – Ok so there’s a 3rd international character that I almost forgot about. Angry Chinese Judge came about during the Olympics—he hated all American athletes and was quick to threaten death threats to Olympians and their families throughout the 2008 games. He is also thought to be responsible for the underage Chinese gymnasts that did so well in the competitions. Don’t mess with this guy unless you are prepared to be yelled at. Again, this is one of Brian’s. As you can tell, Brian has most of the speaking parts with our friends. I just occasionally cheep or make snail noises.
“Baby Girl” – I think it’s safe to say that Baby Girl is Brian’s least favorite character. All she ever does is cry. And she really only comes around when she is cranky or tired, which coincidentally happens most often to be when I am cranky or tired. She will cry inconsolably until Brian does something to fix the situation, although many times his attempts consist only of yelling, “Baby Girl! Stop crying and be quiet!” He’s going to be a great dad, don’t you think? :o)
Ok believe it or not, I think that’s everyone. Brian will undoubtedly point it out if I have missed anyone, so don’t worry, no one will slip through the cracks. You are welcome to call or come visit our friends any time, but be advised that Brian is slightly less shameless than his attention-loving wife, so don’t expect to talk to Duck or Dirka on command. I have often tried to get them to perform on command for friends and co-workers only to look stupid when they refuse to cooperate.
Also, if anyone thinks that Allison needs to follow suit and do a post (or two) about their imaginary friends, please comment here to petition her to do so. And remember to ask her specifically about the following: Baby Duck (yes, they have a duck as well—ours were first!), Spidey, Kitty (I hate Kitty), Wormy, and the weird thing that just makes a pop noise with its mouth.
That’s all for now… or at least until the next character joins the gang!